Monday, February 27, 2017

25 January 2017 [last part]

it has been a month since you've been gone.
honestly, i dont know how i am doing right now. once in a while i would remember some snippets of our life and i would just crumble. but those moments are now far in between of each other. i guess i should be relieved that i am no longer prone to waterworks with just the mere mention or thought of you. but more often than not, i feel guilty. it is as if i am letting you go..
i guess mak is having the most difficult time adjusting without you, with her always by your side and with you always doing everything for her. i dont think i can figure out how she'd be able to function but i guess we will have to manage with her.
please be well. my only consolation is knowing that you are in a better place. that you are no longer in pain. that you are there watching over us.
i will make sure the boys remember you. soon, when i can bear it, i will play them your videos, just so that we remember your voice. i wished oh i wished i had your videos when your voice was clear..
i heard you, you know. those hours, early days after your passing. i heard you. and i will. i will. just dont give up on me yet..

Wednesday, February 15, 2017

25 January 2017 [part 3]

Is it strange that i still whatsapp him every now and then? I guessed since that is the only medium of communication that existed between us, I just refused to let go. Yes, our relationship was complex and it was something that I cant explain and even if I can, I don't think I'd ever would care to explain to others. 
I envy those who do have the most normal way of expressing their feelings to their fathers. I wanted things to be different. but I guessed our time has long gone.
I am sorry for not making the effort.
I am sorry for thinking we have time.
I am just sorry.