Last night I was supposed to clean the room where my parents stayed in whenever they're here in Ampang, specifically, i wanted to clean his stuff and his clothes so that i can bring them all over to BSP to be gathered together. last night, i just couldn't.
this morning, i found the bed in the room has been stripped of its bedsheet and pillow cases. I went mental of all the sudden.
i wanted to clean up the bed, the bed where he last slept in when he was here.
i wanted that last moment.
now it seemed like he was never there.
the anger that i felt was horrible. i guessed the stages of grief are real and they are setting in after the initial pain and the denial; anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.
this afternoon i went to my brother's house in BSP where he drew his last breath. I remembered that phone call on the 25th evening. My 1st brother called twice, 1st to inform me that he was having trouble breathing. i was waiting to present at the LT. they said the hospital advised to give him morphine to ease his breathing difficulties and to wait for an hour before taking him to the hospital.
my brother messaged me to come ASAP. I was just about to tell my boss i cant present at the LT when the VP came out to tell us that our paper is deferred to the next LT and we can go home. I fetched the kids and was on the way home to take the other car when my brother called for the 2nd time, telling me that my dad was gone. it was raining all the way to BSP and the traffic was bad. It was about an hr from the phone call by the time i got there. my dad was on the mattress in the living room, all covered.
this afternoon, i was supposed to help my mom clean up his clothes and put them in the clear containers my brother bought. my mom couldn't make it. she told us she is still adjusting because to her, eventhough it has been 5 days since dad was gone, she still felt like it was just yesterday. she wants everything as they were.
i know that feeling.