Sunday, January 29, 2017

25 January 2017 [part 1]

My father passed away 4 days ago, 25th January 2017 sometime around 630pm, about a month from when he was confirmed to have stage 3b/4 lung cancer. I was not able to be there with him but i am glad that at least he had my mother and both of my brothers by his side. still, it didnt ease the pain that i was not there.
there are a lot that were left unsaid, things that i didnt get to sort out with my father, things that i procrastinated thinking that i had more time. there was no time. havent i wrote about this when my grandmother passed away many years ago? there is never enough time. I will forever be in this limbo of not being able to let go. Oh god, there are many times i wished i had taken that offer from UM and stayed in the country. or that i didnt even go to boarding school. there are many many instances that i wished didnt happen or that i wonder what would have happened if i'd made a different choice. Would we be different?
the thing that i regret most was our tension. i think it is because we were so much alike. i cant forgive myself for that, yet. i need to feel this guilt. i need to despair and only then i can recover fully. i cant just forget.
We buried him in Melaka, upon request of my mom and brother. I would have loved him to be here, closer to us but i supposed his home was there, in Melaka. i was so eager to have them moved here that i really wanted them to sell their house in Melaka. it's so old and there's not much that we can do to it other than scraping it down and build a new one, which i told them it's not something i would agree to spend money on since it will only crumble again. now that he is gone, i cant let go of the fact that i want the house to exist as it is. to remain frozen in time just like that, his room, his clothes, his books, his things, his medicines, his smell. oh god, his smell. i wanted to lock and seal his room so that we can preserve his smell. so that i can go inside and wallow and be that little girl missing her father.
[to be cont]

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