Monday, January 30, 2017

25 January 2017 [Part 2]

Last night I was supposed to clean the room where my parents stayed in whenever they're here in Ampang, specifically, i wanted to clean his stuff and his clothes so that i can bring them all over to BSP to be gathered together. last night, i just couldn't.
this morning, i found the bed in the room has been stripped of its bedsheet and pillow cases. I went mental of all the sudden.
i wanted to clean up the bed, the bed where he last slept in when he was here.
i wanted that last moment.
now it seemed like he was never there.
the anger that i felt was horrible. i guessed the stages of grief are real and they are setting in after the initial pain and the denial; anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.
this afternoon i went to my brother's house in BSP where he drew his last breath. I remembered that phone call on the 25th evening. My 1st brother called twice, 1st to inform me that he was having trouble breathing. i was waiting to present at the LT. they said the hospital advised to give him morphine to ease his breathing difficulties and to wait for an hour before taking him to the hospital.
my brother messaged me to come ASAP. I was just about to tell my boss i cant present at the LT when the VP came out to tell us that our paper is deferred to the next LT and we can go home. I fetched the kids and was on the way home to take the other car when my brother called for the 2nd time, telling me that my dad was gone. it was raining all the way to BSP and the traffic was bad. It was about an hr from the phone call by the time i got there. my dad was on the mattress in the living room, all covered.
this afternoon, i was supposed to help my mom clean up his clothes and put them in the clear containers my brother bought. my mom couldn't make it. she told us she is still adjusting because to her, eventhough it has been 5 days since dad was gone, she still felt like it was just yesterday. she wants everything as they were.
i know that feeling.

Sunday, January 29, 2017

25 January 2017 [part 1]

My father passed away 4 days ago, 25th January 2017 sometime around 630pm, about a month from when he was confirmed to have stage 3b/4 lung cancer. I was not able to be there with him but i am glad that at least he had my mother and both of my brothers by his side. still, it didnt ease the pain that i was not there.
there are a lot that were left unsaid, things that i didnt get to sort out with my father, things that i procrastinated thinking that i had more time. there was no time. havent i wrote about this when my grandmother passed away many years ago? there is never enough time. I will forever be in this limbo of not being able to let go. Oh god, there are many times i wished i had taken that offer from UM and stayed in the country. or that i didnt even go to boarding school. there are many many instances that i wished didnt happen or that i wonder what would have happened if i'd made a different choice. Would we be different?
the thing that i regret most was our tension. i think it is because we were so much alike. i cant forgive myself for that, yet. i need to feel this guilt. i need to despair and only then i can recover fully. i cant just forget.
We buried him in Melaka, upon request of my mom and brother. I would have loved him to be here, closer to us but i supposed his home was there, in Melaka. i was so eager to have them moved here that i really wanted them to sell their house in Melaka. it's so old and there's not much that we can do to it other than scraping it down and build a new one, which i told them it's not something i would agree to spend money on since it will only crumble again. now that he is gone, i cant let go of the fact that i want the house to exist as it is. to remain frozen in time just like that, his room, his clothes, his books, his things, his medicines, his smell. oh god, his smell. i wanted to lock and seal his room so that we can preserve his smell. so that i can go inside and wallow and be that little girl missing her father.
[to be cont]

Friday, January 20, 2017

u know how some people keep telling you that "there is hikmah in everything that is happening" and that "God put you where you should be?" and patted our shoulder and said try to think of all the better things.. and then at first you nod your head and try to comprehend it all. and a couple of minutes passed by and you kinda agree..
and then you went home and went all.. WTF.
of course, there is hikmah in everything that is happening but it still does not negate all the stress and heart-pains and swearing and bitching and everything.
of course there is hikmah. but don't belittle my pain.

Tuesday, January 10, 2017


I am so not going to start this post with a new year resolution. what, are you freaking crazy?
I just had a really really bad year, even if it was just a Saturday going into Sunday, the 1st of January almost felt like, fuh, now lets get to a new vibe please..

anyways, I am currently on medical leave due to eye infection from the little tod, which was quite lucky coz this morning was another appointment at IPR for dad's stomach biopsy, so I didn't have to take the day off. strangely tho, we didn't get to the results of the biopsy. I guess it was OK coz the specialist just zoomed in on how dad was feeling etc and the update of his apt with ENT and dietitian yesterday. he is still on tube feeding to get the much needed nutrient into his stomach without the worry of it ending up in the lungs. he has gain about 2 kgs since the last time I was "sindir-ed" by the dietitian for his weight loss. so I guessed that's good.

the bad news is I gained weight. like a lot. I guess quitting smoking has a lot to do with it. really, I swear I didn't eat anything more that what I ate previously. In fact, I think I ate less. but WHAT THE FUCK!

2017, pls don't be shitty.


omg, I really had promised that I'd write more often, but hey, look, it's 2017 and the last post was in SEPTEMBER 2016! really, totally not my fault.

not that I am blaming anyone but I do have really valid reasons for this.
my dad has stage 4 lung cancer.
so, yeah...

we have just recently gotten the confirmation of the stage, sometime end of December but we had been going to the hospital for x-rays, scans, tests, more tests from October. He had to do biopsy twice to confirm because there were a lot of dead cells that quirked the 1st biopsy result. We kinda lost about 4 weeks there. he is not doing too good. and neither am i for reasons not anywhere near what i expect.
There are just too much to write about and I need to write them down, I really do but I am just so exhausted. honestly, though, I don't know what is the exhaustion about. I am not the one who's sick. but I do suspect the emotional toll is getting to me. 2016 has been a rough year and I am emotionally exhausted.
we are currently in our EPM period and for the 1st time in so many years [since] I just don't give a shit about what to write. Honestly, I don't know what to write. Granted, I have been blessed with a really cool superior, but he reminds me of two of my ex-bosses, they were cool, really awesome human beings but it was difficult to get directions from them. Decisions, yes, but directions, no. It is as if I am falling again in the that hazy world where I don't really know what is the point of all this. and I am afraid that I will spiral down that path really soon.
it's scary.
seriously, it is putting me on the edge and i can break anytime. if this is what mid-life crisis is, then, no wonder. but God did say that 40 is the age of maturity, and His words are the truth.

so 2016, you have been a bad bitch. i really hated you. if you are a person, i would punch you in the face and make sure u break your nose. lets hope 2017 is nicer but at the rate things are going right now, i think shit may just hit the fan sooner than later.