Tuesday, January 10, 2017
I just had a really really bad year, even if it was just a Saturday going into Sunday, the 1st of January almost felt like, fuh, now lets get to a new vibe please..
anyways, I am currently on medical leave due to eye infection from the little tod, which was quite lucky coz this morning was another appointment at IPR for dad's stomach biopsy, so I didn't have to take the day off. strangely tho, we didn't get to the results of the biopsy. I guess it was OK coz the specialist just zoomed in on how dad was feeling etc and the update of his apt with ENT and dietitian yesterday. he is still on tube feeding to get the much needed nutrient into his stomach without the worry of it ending up in the lungs. he has gain about 2 kgs since the last time I was "sindir-ed" by the dietitian for his weight loss. so I guessed that's good.
the bad news is I gained weight. like a lot. I guess quitting smoking has a lot to do with it. really, I swear I didn't eat anything more that what I ate previously. In fact, I think I ate less. but WHAT THE FUCK!
2017, pls don't be shitty.
not that I am blaming anyone but I do have really valid reasons for this.
my dad has stage 4 lung cancer.
we have just recently gotten the confirmation of the stage, sometime end of December but we had been going to the hospital for x-rays, scans, tests, more tests from October. He had to do biopsy twice to confirm because there were a lot of dead cells that quirked the 1st biopsy result. We kinda lost about 4 weeks there. he is not doing too good. and neither am i for reasons not anywhere near what i expect.
There are just too much to write about and I need to write them down, I really do but I am just so exhausted. honestly, though, I don't know what is the exhaustion about. I am not the one who's sick. but I do suspect the emotional toll is getting to me. 2016 has been a rough year and I am emotionally exhausted.
we are currently in our EPM period and for the 1st time in so many years [since] I just don't give a shit about what to write. Honestly, I don't know what to write. Granted, I have been blessed with a really cool superior, but he reminds me of two of my ex-bosses, they were cool, really awesome human beings but it was difficult to get directions from them. Decisions, yes, but directions, no. It is as if I am falling again in the that hazy world where I don't really know what is the point of all this. and I am afraid that I will spiral down that path really soon.
seriously, it is putting me on the edge and i can break anytime. if this is what mid-life crisis is, then, no wonder. but God did say that 40 is the age of maturity, and His words are the truth.
so 2016, you have been a bad bitch. i really hated you. if you are a person, i would punch you in the face and make sure u break your nose. lets hope 2017 is nicer but at the rate things are going right now, i think shit may just hit the fan sooner than later.
Thursday, September 22, 2016
it is going to be 6 months soon and I better be very mindful of my deliverables.
there are already little jackasses and two-faced bitches around that have started to show their teeth, safely assuming that I don't know what they are about.
Wednesday, August 17, 2016
it must have been such a traumatizing experience *haha*
anyways, u know how I have been bitching about transferring out for the past years? so as of 1st april, they did transfer me out. only that by then, I didn't want to be transferred out. and the most sweetest thing is, ppl do want me back..
they say change is good. yes, I agree. right before 28th March, I changed my mind. funny how things go as they are.
so now, it's about 5 months I'm in the different sector of the new division. I cant say that it's the most interesting thing in the world but dear God, it's certainly hectic. I am still waiting for news on another matter, but I cant quite make myself write about that for the moment. it's still too depressing and exciting at the same time.
other than that, I realize that I really have to buck up and start delivering to what I know I am capable of. I have to admit that I have not been up to my full capacity and capability which mainly because I have been wallowing in self pity ever since the transfer.
well, wish me luck!
Saturday, February 27, 2016
it's not like we, the staffs, don't know what's coming.
but the expectations and the obvious glee from the society is a bit disappointing.
I just hope we will prove them wrong.
but in any case, what do they all think would happen to this country, a nation that is heavily dependent on its oil and gas industry, if its NOC is not performing because of the bleak global conditions? do they think that they will not be affected? that they could just go their merry ways?
baru letak GST dah nak topple government. ppffftt.. imagine if the government lose 60% of its income from its biggest contributor. what are u gonna do?
anywho, tick tock.. tick tock..
Saturday, January 02, 2016
Saturday, November 28, 2015
it has been a very exhausting month. I would have thought that my birthday month would have been sympathetic to me but no. it was one drama after another. and I thought the drama would all end on the 2nd December with the Board meeting but of course, nothing seems to go my way these days. The Board meeting is postponed to 11th.
Taking a deep breath seems to be my modus operandi these days.
Other than that, I am pleased to note that my quit smoking campaign is still going on strong. Except that one stick during Zi's do, after which I am so pleased the cravings are not there. I would have thought that it would be difficult but no. amazing.
Sunday, September 20, 2015
I don't really know what sparked the change. it was mixed between growing old (yes, yours truly will be 40 in 2 years time), my babies took turn getting sick from May to August, not that well myself since May and someone from the office throwing the challenge.
i has quit twice before for about a year when i was pregnant with the boys. but promptly took it up again the day i got back to the office. it were not that difficult to quit smoking then. i had reasons.
now, it difficult on some days but bearable on others. the stress is getting to me. so lets cross our fingers and hope that i can continue with being clean.
Friday, September 11, 2015
I don't think so.
I am angry, and I have been angry for a long time. it has been an amazing miracle that I have managed to bite my tongue every single time. A miracle.
So I think I need this space to vent out.
If you don't like it, there's the x in the box at the upper right corner. Click on it.
I don't think I can ever forgive or forget. I pray to God that your daughters will relive the same that I do and then you can imagine how my mother felt like. but then again, you are the perfect "victim", you already made everyone felt guilty about how bad you have been treated all your life, your sacrifices, that they now gave theirs to you. I don't think your daughters are ever getting married, having to live their lives in servitude now to you.
A parent does not do that.
but you know, I have to thank you, really, I do. you made me realize how LUCKY I am to have the parents that I have. I have been a horrible, rebellious, stubborn daughter. but never once that they ever spoke of how terrible their sacrifices were. Never once my mother ever spoke of how painful her delivery was and how I should be grateful to her and buy her flowers for her birthday.
you have made me realized how I have truly taken my parents for granted, that there are worse parents out there that I could be born to. like you.
So thank you. really.
Thursday, July 16, 2015
My hat's off to those moms who work and have no maids or support system.
even my mom has her own support system when she was working. My late tokmak and bevies of aunts and uncles took care of us. But even then i know she was exhausted.
So yeah, FUCK OFF. I dont need your holier-than-thou attitude.
Oh yeah, while we're at it, little girl, your family is not my center of the universe. I couldnt care less.
Friday, July 03, 2015
Thursday, February 26, 2015
This morning my husband asked me which insurance company my car is covered under.
Err... i dunno.
Of course he rolled his eyes and said he'll find out fm the car co. and i smiled happily before we both went off to our offices.
i remembered that when i was single i did almost everything w regards to my car including checking the oil level and topping up the battery myself. The only thing i refused to do was change the tyres. Now, i cat even bother to remember which insurance company my car is covered under!
in the current world of equality and where feminism demands equal rights should men be offended that we leave all things "car" to them?
Oh, yeah, i forgot. As long as we r the only ones who can give birth to kids, yes, they should do all the "car" things and other stuffs too.