Thursday, December 14, 2017

Nearly a year, still seems like yesterday.

in 1 day time, he would have been 71 years old.
sometimes i wondered on the decisions that i made. sorrow and grief followed right after.
but then i can hear that small reminder in my mind, You are the best of planners. Trust in Your plans and what You have for me, for us.

there is always a lesson to be learned.
there is always something we have yet to improve.

May you rest in peace, ayah.

Saturday, June 24, 2017

I cant believe it.
Selfish selfish people.
Is it really worth it?

Monday, June 19, 2017

the tikus has been angry for a very long time.
and will continue to be angry and post angry posts.
sorry, not sorry.

Karma will come around and slap you on the face. 
I pray you will get and feel not only exactly everything that my parents felt, 
exactly what I felt, but more. 

I miss you, ayah..

Raya is coming. I don't know what to do and how to bear it.
I don't know how to console mak. I really don't.

I put everything in little compartments in my brain. shutting them away. hoping the pain will be buried. I hate it when people think i am not affected. i hate it when they thought everything is OK. it never is.

I pray you are well and you are always blessed and under His protection and care.
I love you, Happy Father's Day.

Thursday, March 16, 2017

I have been having neck and shoulder pain for quite a while.
When i was small, about 8 or 9, i inflicted upon myself (my mom's version) a neck sprain while doing a roll over the home sofa. My late grandmother massaged it the best that she could. Now it is an obvious small bump on the right handside of my neck. Every now and then that area and its adjoining shoulder area would ache and sometimes the ache would render me unable to lift my hand. I would be on painkiller, i would go for a massage and then about a week the pain will go away.
Last week, when it happened, i went to my usual GP and she told me to get myself checked by the ortho and get physio. Oh good god, really ah?
So today here i am sitting at the waiting area of dr.deepak's klinik after having done the required x-ray for his consultation.
I keep forgetting i am turning 40 this year (bahahaha.. not true, its the only thing in my mind lately) and i have to keep my health in check a lot more than i used to. We all have to..

Monday, February 27, 2017

25 January 2017 [last part]

it has been a month since you've been gone.
honestly, i dont know how i am doing right now. once in a while i would remember some snippets of our life and i would just crumble. but those moments are now far in between of each other. i guess i should be relieved that i am no longer prone to waterworks with just the mere mention or thought of you. but more often than not, i feel guilty. it is as if i am letting you go..
i guess mak is having the most difficult time adjusting without you, with her always by your side and with you always doing everything for her. i dont think i can figure out how she'd be able to function but i guess we will have to manage with her.
please be well. my only consolation is knowing that you are in a better place. that you are no longer in pain. that you are there watching over us.
i will make sure the boys remember you. soon, when i can bear it, i will play them your videos, just so that we remember your voice. i wished oh i wished i had your videos when your voice was clear..
i heard you, you know. those hours, early days after your passing. i heard you. and i will. i will. just dont give up on me yet..

Wednesday, February 15, 2017

25 January 2017 [part 3]

Is it strange that i still whatsapp him every now and then? I guessed since that is the only medium of communication that existed between us, I just refused to let go. Yes, our relationship was complex and it was something that I cant explain and even if I can, I don't think I'd ever would care to explain to others. 
I envy those who do have the most normal way of expressing their feelings to their fathers. I wanted things to be different. but I guessed our time has long gone.
I am sorry for not making the effort.
I am sorry for thinking we have time.
I am just sorry.

Monday, January 30, 2017

25 January 2017 [Part 2]

Last night I was supposed to clean the room where my parents stayed in whenever they're here in Ampang, specifically, i wanted to clean his stuff and his clothes so that i can bring them all over to BSP to be gathered together. last night, i just couldn't.
this morning, i found the bed in the room has been stripped of its bedsheet and pillow cases. I went mental of all the sudden.
i wanted to clean up the bed, the bed where he last slept in when he was here.
i wanted that last moment.
now it seemed like he was never there.
the anger that i felt was horrible. i guessed the stages of grief are real and they are setting in after the initial pain and the denial; anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.
this afternoon i went to my brother's house in BSP where he drew his last breath. I remembered that phone call on the 25th evening. My 1st brother called twice, 1st to inform me that he was having trouble breathing. i was waiting to present at the LT. they said the hospital advised to give him morphine to ease his breathing difficulties and to wait for an hour before taking him to the hospital.
my brother messaged me to come ASAP. I was just about to tell my boss i cant present at the LT when the VP came out to tell us that our paper is deferred to the next LT and we can go home. I fetched the kids and was on the way home to take the other car when my brother called for the 2nd time, telling me that my dad was gone. it was raining all the way to BSP and the traffic was bad. It was about an hr from the phone call by the time i got there. my dad was on the mattress in the living room, all covered.
this afternoon, i was supposed to help my mom clean up his clothes and put them in the clear containers my brother bought. my mom couldn't make it. she told us she is still adjusting because to her, eventhough it has been 5 days since dad was gone, she still felt like it was just yesterday. she wants everything as they were.
i know that feeling.

Sunday, January 29, 2017

25 January 2017 [part 1]

My father passed away 4 days ago, 25th January 2017 sometime around 630pm, about a month from when he was confirmed to have stage 3b/4 lung cancer. I was not able to be there with him but i am glad that at least he had my mother and both of my brothers by his side. still, it didnt ease the pain that i was not there.
there are a lot that were left unsaid, things that i didnt get to sort out with my father, things that i procrastinated thinking that i had more time. there was no time. havent i wrote about this when my grandmother passed away many years ago? there is never enough time. I will forever be in this limbo of not being able to let go. Oh god, there are many times i wished i had taken that offer from UM and stayed in the country. or that i didnt even go to boarding school. there are many many instances that i wished didnt happen or that i wonder what would have happened if i'd made a different choice. Would we be different?
the thing that i regret most was our tension. i think it is because we were so much alike. i cant forgive myself for that, yet. i need to feel this guilt. i need to despair and only then i can recover fully. i cant just forget.
We buried him in Melaka, upon request of my mom and brother. I would have loved him to be here, closer to us but i supposed his home was there, in Melaka. i was so eager to have them moved here that i really wanted them to sell their house in Melaka. it's so old and there's not much that we can do to it other than scraping it down and build a new one, which i told them it's not something i would agree to spend money on since it will only crumble again. now that he is gone, i cant let go of the fact that i want the house to exist as it is. to remain frozen in time just like that, his room, his clothes, his books, his things, his medicines, his smell. oh god, his smell. i wanted to lock and seal his room so that we can preserve his smell. so that i can go inside and wallow and be that little girl missing her father.
[to be cont]

Friday, January 20, 2017

u know how some people keep telling you that "there is hikmah in everything that is happening" and that "God put you where you should be?" and patted our shoulder and said try to think of all the better things.. and then at first you nod your head and try to comprehend it all. and a couple of minutes passed by and you kinda agree..
and then you went home and went all.. WTF.
of course, there is hikmah in everything that is happening but it still does not negate all the stress and heart-pains and swearing and bitching and everything.
of course there is hikmah. but don't belittle my pain.

Tuesday, January 10, 2017


I am so not going to start this post with a new year resolution. what, are you freaking crazy?
I just had a really really bad year, even if it was just a Saturday going into Sunday, the 1st of January almost felt like, fuh, now lets get to a new vibe please..

anyways, I am currently on medical leave due to eye infection from the little tod, which was quite lucky coz this morning was another appointment at IPR for dad's stomach biopsy, so I didn't have to take the day off. strangely tho, we didn't get to the results of the biopsy. I guess it was OK coz the specialist just zoomed in on how dad was feeling etc and the update of his apt with ENT and dietitian yesterday. he is still on tube feeding to get the much needed nutrient into his stomach without the worry of it ending up in the lungs. he has gain about 2 kgs since the last time I was "sindir-ed" by the dietitian for his weight loss. so I guessed that's good.

the bad news is I gained weight. like a lot. I guess quitting smoking has a lot to do with it. really, I swear I didn't eat anything more that what I ate previously. In fact, I think I ate less. but WHAT THE FUCK!

2017, pls don't be shitty.


omg, I really had promised that I'd write more often, but hey, look, it's 2017 and the last post was in SEPTEMBER 2016! really, totally not my fault.

not that I am blaming anyone but I do have really valid reasons for this.
my dad has stage 4 lung cancer.
so, yeah...

we have just recently gotten the confirmation of the stage, sometime end of December but we had been going to the hospital for x-rays, scans, tests, more tests from October. He had to do biopsy twice to confirm because there were a lot of dead cells that quirked the 1st biopsy result. We kinda lost about 4 weeks there. he is not doing too good. and neither am i for reasons not anywhere near what i expect.
There are just too much to write about and I need to write them down, I really do but I am just so exhausted. honestly, though, I don't know what is the exhaustion about. I am not the one who's sick. but I do suspect the emotional toll is getting to me. 2016 has been a rough year and I am emotionally exhausted.
we are currently in our EPM period and for the 1st time in so many years [since] I just don't give a shit about what to write. Honestly, I don't know what to write. Granted, I have been blessed with a really cool superior, but he reminds me of two of my ex-bosses, they were cool, really awesome human beings but it was difficult to get directions from them. Decisions, yes, but directions, no. It is as if I am falling again in the that hazy world where I don't really know what is the point of all this. and I am afraid that I will spiral down that path really soon.
it's scary.
seriously, it is putting me on the edge and i can break anytime. if this is what mid-life crisis is, then, no wonder. but God did say that 40 is the age of maturity, and His words are the truth.

so 2016, you have been a bad bitch. i really hated you. if you are a person, i would punch you in the face and make sure u break your nose. lets hope 2017 is nicer but at the rate things are going right now, i think shit may just hit the fan sooner than later.

Thursday, September 22, 2016

well, it is already way past Sept and I am still wallowing in self pity.
it is going to be 6 months soon and I better be very mindful of my deliverables.
there are already little jackasses and two-faced bitches around that have started to show their teeth, safely assuming that I don't know what they are about.

Wednesday, August 17, 2016

Today the Company is 42 years old.
It is 3 years older than myself, 16 of which I have spent in the Company. well, actually, my relationship with the Company spans about 20 years now. 5 years of education sponsorship and 16 years of working relationship. it is certainly longer than any of my relationships including the current one with hubs [haha].
I am sure there are a lot of others whom are exactly like me, who grew up with the Company. Some even have their parent(s) work in the Company. Our blood would have been green if time is a determining factor.
So, Happy Birthday to you, PETRONAS. Lets thrive through this tough times.